On The Road To Recovery

I've been contemplating on whether or not I should post a blog about something so "real life" and heart breaking to me. I haven't blogged in a while for several reasons. I've been physically and emotionally going through a rough time. I (Jhonnie & I) were looking forward to a new life. Our current lives were changing everyday. Anxious and scared at the same time about the baby....my body changing *drastically* in front of our eyes....and so much more.

About a week ago, I noticed some spotting. I told Jhonnie, and we called the doctor right away. When explaining what was going on, the doctor was so re-assuring that everything was fine. He asked if we had intercourse in the past 48 hrs (the answer being a big YES)...and that the sex could cause the lining of the uterus to bleed (being it so sensitive). We had two very good and healthy ultrasounds, and I was feeling fine. To be on the safe side he did want us to come in first thing the next day...so we did. We had the ultrasound, and we saw the baby (the baby had grown so much since the last ultasound)....my heart was beating so fast, just waiting to see what the doctor was going to say.....and he said it, "I'm sorry guys, but there's no heart beat". What the hell was he talking about....I was screaming at the top of my lungs or what felt like at the top of my lungs, until I realized it was nothing but silent screaming. I felt dead....I mean what does that mean really?

Now we had to make a decision on whether I miscarry the natural way, meaning I would start having contractions, and then the baby would , so they call it, pass. Or, I could have surgery (D&C), where I'm under full anesthetics, and they go in and scrape out my uterus. I've always thought that the body should encounter things the natural way....so we waited. A whole week went by, and no contrations, just heavy bleeding. I was dealing with the loss of my baby, and then having to carry it inside of me (knowing it was no longer alive) was emotionally draining. We finally decided to go ahead with the surgey. I was released from the hospital on saturday...and am in a lot of pain, but the physical pain is nothing compared to the emotional pain.

Now that I'm on the road to recovery, it's still not really *over*. We haven't even started telling people. I mean we have told our families, and friends that are closest to us. By the way, I just want to say I have the best mother in the world. She has been my rock through this all....like always though...I love her to pieces. The doctor said it wasn't anything I did or didn't do, and that 1 out 3 women have miscarriages when they first try to have a baby....but I still feel so bad, and am dealing with alot of monsters inside.....things that i'd rather not share. The doctor did say we can start trying again in about a month...which we DO plan on doing!

I just want to thank everyone for being apart of this pregnancy....you guys made me laugh so much, even on days where I felt literally sick to my stomache. I believe God always has a reason, I'm sure there was a very good one for taking my baby....health wise or whatever it may be. It'll just take some time for me to get up, dust myself off, and be me again.